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HOW IT WORKS

Infants are aware of elimination from birth–just observe their movements, facial expressions, and vocalizations when pooing–and often cry or give other signals to be changed. But we don't watch and listen. What if we were to do so? I have found that if we respond positively and proactively, babies will experiment, practice and learn in this regard, just as they do with other milestones such as crawling and walking.

You start by briefly whispering a watery sound such as "sssss," "pssss" or "tssss" in your baby's ear at potty time to help the child learn to associate this sound with releasing the sphincter muscles. If it's (nearly) time to go, infants can release on cue.

Studies of conditioning in babies demonstrate that infants are able to quickly learn and remember things and that positive conditioning reinforces learned behaviors in the first weeks and months of life. Opponents say that any "catching" of elimination from babies 0-12 months is "merely conditioning," but much of what we learn in life starts with conditioning and progresses from there.

The whispering cue itself may only be needed for a few weeks or perhaps just a few months. It doesn't take long until babies recognize other cues from you such as the way you hold them in-arms at potty time. For children who can sit, the potty elicits elimination.

You can later return to potty whispering at times when your baby needs help relaxing in order to release or if the child is distracted. You can also communicate back and forth through the use of sign language and hand signals until your little one is able to communicate verbally.

Our Western cultural expectations and medical professionals tell us that infants have no control, yet many parents have experienced the opposite. When we take our babies to a toilet place (potty or other receptacle) around the time they need to "go," we afford them the opportunity to practice using their sphincter muscles and encourage them to communicate the next time they need relief. This allows them to slowly but surely develop elimination muscular and neural control per their own innate tempo.

This is not the type of potty training we are familiar with and thus is often misunderstood. Some people don't even consider it to be potty training since it differs in so many ways. But whatever you decide to call it, medical professionals classify it as a form of toilet training. I've researched infant pottying in many different societies and each time I asked, "What do you call this?" I was told that there is no name for it, that it is simply the way things are done. Perhaps it is easier to describe this practice in terms of what is not a part of it.

The Potty Whisperer No-Nos:

no punishment
no pressure
no coercion
no shaming
no competition
no showing off
no obsessing
no perfectionism
no rushing toilet learning
no attachment to time goals
no negativity

Part-Time Pottying

This is not an all-or-nothing endeavor. Working parents, you can do this if it resonates and if you have a relaxed and positive attitude. Remember, this is not potty training as we know it. Instead, it's a process that gently unfolds over many months, based on your baby's own natural pace of development and your ability to "be there" to potty your child at least a few times a day at first, and then gradually more over the months, but never too often to the point where you are exhausted or where your baby is frustrated from too many interruptions. The key is to find a realistic balance in all that you do. Each family proceeds at its own pace.

Pottying doesn't need to be overly time-consuming or to unduly take away from other activities. After all, changing diapers and cleaning dirty baby bottoms take time too, so why not get some elimination in a potty instead?

With or Without Diapers or Nappies

This can be done with or without diapers (called "nappies" in some countries). Many parents use tiny training pants and other specialized clothing. Some leave their babies diaper free at home during part of the day. But diapers are fine too. Cloth diapers tend to speed learning, when compared to disposables, since cotton allows babies to feel and be aware of their elimination. If a family prefers disposables partly or completely in place of cotton, this can work too. In short, it's a lifestyle choice, and there are no "rules" about whether or not to use diapers or to go diaperless.

Potty-Shots

As is the case with all child-rearing practices, there are critics, and I dare say not one of them is truly familiar with this practice, yet they still feel compelled to attack it. Their arguments demonstrate that they have had no in-depth experience with it and that their "expert" opinions are based on misconceptions.

Does it seem strange to anyone that the Western world bases its beliefs about toilet-learning abilities on theories that have no true medical backing? People often ask, "Where are the studies that prove babies have no control before 12 months?" The truth is that no such study has been conducted, yet we are all taught and assured that any attempt at working with infants under 12 months is a waste of time and might even harm our babies. But doctors agree that toilet learning is no more traumatic than any other part of a child's upbringing and that it is only a problem if parents use negative tactics with their children.

There is nothing complex, mysterious or exclusive about this. It is a gentle process that can be implemented in either a logical or intuitive manner, or a combination of both. It can be done part-time or full-time, with or without diapers. Some find it easy to do, others do not. Some find it time-consuming, others do not. There is no requirement to continuously carry or constantly monitor your baby as some have alleged. You do not need to be present for every elimination as some suggest. In fact, accidents and misses are part of the process and gradually decrease over time. This is not about rushing toilet learning or producing "potty prodigies."

People ask, "How long does it take?" There is no fixed time scale, and there are different degrees and definitions of "being potty trained." Healthy babies can signal and communicate about most of their toilet needs around 25 months, some sooner, some later. There are very few hard-and-fast rules except to be relaxed and nonpunitive, and to keep baby safe and comfortable.

We are not out to convert the world. We do not claim this is the best or only way. We love potty whispering and want others to know that it's a viable option. Once they have the facts (rather than misinformation), they can then decide if they want to give it a try. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. It's a personal decision. Surely we can be open to more than one way to raise our children. That's all we ask.

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